The Road not Taken

Every now and again I find myself daydreaming. It sounds like a nice experience, but in my version it rarely is.

I seem to have gotten in the habit of seeing the possibilities that spring from every corner, the consequences of every act, the domino effect that one single gesture can have. And it rarely is pretty. I don't know when it started, but I don't remember doing it so frequently two years ago, or maybe one year ago?...

I do remember however, like it just happened, one of first and most vivid such visions that I had. When it started it pinned me down with a force I had not experienced before. I was stunned by how quickly it all happened, the images and feelings going through me at warp speed. It was like my brain overpowered my will and took me over completely, not interested at all of what my conscience had to say in the matter. I felt like my computer must feel when an unscheduled upgrade takes places and automatically restarts the systems. The realization of what I was witnessing had barely hit me and it was all over. I could return to the present and avoid the unpleasantness of what I had just seen. It felt like I was in the middle of one of those obnoxious episodes of your favorite SF TV series, when they start off killing everybody and making you feel betrayed and hurt, only to further reveal they were trapped in some sort of time loop, proceed unto killing everybody again a couple of time, just for good measure, and end up the episode with them avoiding the danger, in what we gather to be the 'right' timeline. I always end up a bit confused, and still very much betrayed, since I don't understand why we should care about the characters in only one timeline. Were they not themselves in all those other timelines as well?

But, as always, I digress. After that first - as far as I can remember - experience, I have learned to guard myself and not let the snowball go too far. I stop the vision of 'the road not taken' as fast as I can, shoving the feeling of angst to the back of my mind, focusing on the present. Of course, these visions my over imaginative brain comes up with, are not always correct. There has been the odd occasion when, even going on the path that clearly spelled danger, the very fact that I had 'seen' the damage that could be done prevented it from happening.

It is hard, though, keeping it under control. I feel like I'm dragging an overexcited little dog with me everywhere. The more things I have on my mind or the more tired I am, the more freedom the tiny dog has to chew away at my conscience, living behind sage little niblets of truth or hard to answer questions: 'time passes', 'you are not that young anymore', 'you should cherish your friends and family more', 'what is it you really want?', 'what makes you truly happy?', 'you need to make a choice'...

LOVE, actually

While reading romance novels may not be good for the soul of a single, lonely woman, they had the oddest effect on me: they made me realize that there are 3 things I want to be able to say to that perfect knight that I’m sure will ride into my life on his white stallion (feel free to laugh it out right now, for what I say next is quite serious) - 'I love you. I trust you. I support you. Not necessarily in that order :)'. I need this 3 simple things in order to be happy with my relationship. In truth, I need to relate to almost anybody on those presumptions - my family, my friends, my colleagues, my neighbors, the girl who bags the groceries at my supermarket.

For love is not only romantic love, but also the care towards our parents, siblings and extended family, the strong bond of a true friendship, the respect and care for those who work with you and can receive and provide help.

Trust - this should probably go unexplained, but what the heck - is also the trust you implicitly give to all the other drivers when you start your car in the morning, the trust you put into the cook at your favorite restaurant that they will deliver a good and healthy meal or into the officer checking your backpack when boarding a plane that they will keep you safe.

Support - this may prove to be a tricky one, but my way of extrapolating it is, that, apart from trusting the people around you with their respective responsibilities, you should also encourage (thus prooving your support) them when they do a good job. [I am a carrot type of person (clue: motivational theories in plain words), and I find it difficult to strongly reprimand someone, even when they systematically butcher a perfectly simple task. I prefer the talk-it-over approach, give them the tools to unmake their mistakes and they will, hopefully, eventually succeed.]

So, you see, my whole world can be reduced to those 3 little words - love, trust & support.

Since my horoscope told me this is the year to simplify, I see this epiphany as the first step towards that :D

Oh, and in a more down to earth note - since we are in between the two LOVE holidays of the year (I’m counting the Dragobete, for those who prefer it), I had the opportunity to skip through or out-right ignore a lot of articles published about Valentine Day gifts this past week. Not one of them - and trust me, there were all over the world wide web - mentioned what I truly wanted on February the 14th - a wee push when my car got stuck in the snow!