Every now and again I find myself daydreaming. It sounds like a nice experience, but in my version it rarely is.
I seem to have gotten in the habit of seeing the possibilities that spring from every corner, the consequences of every act, the domino effect that one single gesture can have. And it rarely is pretty. I don't know when it started, but I don't remember doing it so frequently two years ago, or maybe one year ago?...
I do remember however, like it just happened, one of first and most vivid such visions that I had. When it started it pinned me down with a force I had not experienced before. I was stunned by how quickly it all happened, the images and feelings going through me at warp speed. It was like my brain overpowered my will and took me over completely, not interested at all of what my conscience had to say in the matter. I felt like my computer must feel when an unscheduled upgrade takes places and automatically restarts the systems. The realization of what I was witnessing had barely hit me and it was all over. I could return to the present and avoid the unpleasantness of what I had just seen. It felt like I was in the middle of one of those obnoxious episodes of your favorite SF TV series, when they start off killing everybody and making you feel betrayed and hurt, only to further reveal they were trapped in some sort of time loop, proceed unto killing everybody again a couple of time, just for good measure, and end up the episode with them avoiding the danger, in what we gather to be the 'right' timeline. I always end up a bit confused, and still very much betrayed, since I don't understand why we should care about the characters in only one timeline. Were they not themselves in all those other timelines as well?
But, as always, I digress. After that first - as far as I can remember - experience, I have learned to guard myself and not let the snowball go too far. I stop the vision of 'the road not taken' as fast as I can, shoving the feeling of angst to the back of my mind, focusing on the present. Of course, these visions my over imaginative brain comes up with, are not always correct. There has been the odd occasion when, even going on the path that clearly spelled danger, the very fact that I had 'seen' the damage that could be done prevented it from happening.
It is hard, though, keeping it under control. I feel like I'm dragging an overexcited little dog with me everywhere. The more things I have on my mind or the more tired I am, the more freedom the tiny dog has to chew away at my conscience, living behind sage little niblets of truth or hard to answer questions: 'time passes', 'you are not that young anymore', 'you should cherish your friends and family more', 'what is it you really want?', 'what makes you truly happy?', 'you need to make a choice'...
